Sorry I'm late to reading this. I needed to hibernate for a bit. What you describe as decision shock, given that it impacts multiple parts of your life, is what I call 'hyper-optimization'. For me, it came from growing up in a place where waste was seen as a mortal sin. Let a loaf of bread spoil? You'd think you'd murdered someone. Buy the wrong widget? Waste of gas, waste of time, so much failure! etc etc.
That skill (and it is a skill) serves a purpose. I researched the hell out of what car to buy, and 14 years later, it's still a great car, and has been cheaper to own than anyone else's car I've ever heard of. I researched the hell out of mixers, and I'm still happy with it 10 years later. It is a skill and it does have value.
But the growth, for me, was learning to realize that I'm not that broke, scared, child anymore. I can 'waste' $400 on a proper audio setup to see if it's actually better than my $35 3.5mm lapel mic (answer: holy heck yes!). I can 'waste' $200 on a vacuum pump and chamber to see if I can freeze dry for a fraction of a machine's cost (kinda, but I need to deep freeze the goods before I start, so dry ice or liquid nitrogen, at least until I can DIY my own cooling system). I can go spend a week in a tourist trap, eat the foods, smell the smells, hear the sounds, ride the rides, and just go home mid-week when I'm all funned out.
Sometimes it's good to just embrace the chaos. Like you did. You picked something. You won't die if you make a mistake. And eventually you'll de-program that response. I'm still working on that part.
Oh, thank you for unpacking this with me. You’re so right, I didn’t grow up with a lot, so this habit of hyper-optimization kind of became a survival skill. When every wrong choice feels like a mini-crisis because there’s no cushion to fall back on, you learn to compare everything.
I love how you framed it as a skill, because it is, but also as something we can outgrow. I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to “waste” a little in the name of trying, exploring, or just living. Call it… recovering from being poor syndrome 😂.
Still working on it too. But hey, we picked something. We didn’t die. That’s progress.
:) Also, just a note, poor isn’t the only way to get this. Homes where there’s incredible pressure on getting As, or being the best at a sport, or being #1 in some club, anywhere there is a need to ‘achieve’ and failure is punished with abandonment (emotional or literal) can lead to this. I share this less because I think it applies to you, and moreso for the D1 athletes who never quite made it, and wonder why they don’t matter anymore. Or the straight A kid who burned out and feels lost.
“You’ve already lived the future in your head” hit me right in the gut. I’ve thrown out real connections just because they didn’t fit the narrative I rehearsed. This made me pause. Thank you.
Thank you. It’s wild how fast we can edit out real connection in service of a story we didn’t even mean to write. I’m really glad this made you pause. That’s the whole hope.
It’s funny how two people can go through the same experience, and one ends up in an existential spiral while the other’s yelling “I FOUND THE PERFECT SPOT IN SORRENTO THAT LOOKS LIKE AN ITALIAN DRACULA GIFTED HIS MISTRESS A LITERARY RETREAT!”
Lisha, I loved this piece. That dizzying mental unraveling you described over a 3-night rental? Oh, I know it well. But I have a confession: I love the rabbit hole. I fucking thrive in that rabbit hole.
I’ve been knighted by every friend group I’ve had as the guy who finds the spot, the right place to eat, the "experience". The unforgettable, slightly unhinged, perfect moment spot. The one that makes people say, “What the hell is this place?” and then “This is amazing.”
Planning my daughter’s college graduation trip? Naturally, I insisted we all stay in a royal mansion from the 1800s where the ghosts definitely know great food and dance with you.
Maybe it’s the half Russian-Jew blood in me, the best bang for buck hunting warlord meets aesthetic snob. I don’t plan trips, I produce them. Spreadsheets. 127 Color-coded tabs. Read every review from 2013 to the present. I go deep into the rabbit hole.
But what your piece reminded me, beautifully, annoyingly, and with surgical accuracy, is that sometimes the “right” choice isn’t the best one. It’s the one that lingers. The one that makes zero sense on paper but keeps tapping your shoulder saying "Hey, It's me Dummy"
You book it not because it checks all the boxes, but because something about it breaks the script. Honestly, that logic applies to a hell of a lot more than vacation homes. Love. Homes. Restaurants. Career choices.
So yeah, cheers to the weird ones you can’t explain. The red-leather-couch version of love. The offbeat patio you gamble on for no reason. Thanks for putting words to the beautiful chaos the rest of us pretend we’ve got under control.
This whole comment is a vacation unto itself. “Italian Dracula gifted his mistress a literary retreat”?? I’m actually mad I didn’t write that.
I’m in awe of your spreadsheet stamina. I can barely survive TripAdvisor’s font choices without losing the will to live. But yes, what you said at the end is exactly it. That shoulder tap. The unexplainable yes. The moment something breaks the script and still feels right, even if it makes no logistical sense whatsoever.
And you’re right. It’s not just travel. Love, careers, even friendships sometimes start that way. A little off. A little wrong. But you can’t look away.
So here’s to the unhinged tabs, the haunted mansions, and the weird little choices that end up mattering way more than they’re supposed to.
Oh wow, did this resonate with me. Last year, at 81, I ended up on a small, very basic, non-touristy, island 20 miles off the coast of Belize for a 2 week time of planned introspection. I chose it simply because it popped up in my quest to find a perfect spot for the sabbatical, and I couldn't "un-pop" it. Once I got there (walking into something completely unknown) I realized that the place, with all of it's imperfection, was the absolute perfect place for me. It had very, very few amenities, including no AC. At the end of the 2 weeks I literally cried because I had to leave. Before I left, I booked the place for 5 weeks for this year, and later went on to purchase my flight tickets and place a deposit on where I was staying. Unfortunately, during the year my health deteoriated and I ultimately had to cancel the trip because the doctors were very unhappy with my desire to go there. They are right, I know. Emergency care is a minimum of an hour away at best. It just made a point for me--the least likely might just be the most likeable.
Oh wow, thank you for sharing this. What a beautiful, brave leap that turned out to be exactly right. I love that phrase: “I couldn’t un-pop it.” That’s exactly the feeling. Something tugs at you in a quiet way, and somehow it knows more than your checklist ever could.
I’m so sorry you had to cancel this year’s return. That must’ve been a hard and wise choice all at once. And yes, your last line gave me goosebumps: the least likely might just be the most likeable. I might need to write that on a sticky note.
Wishing you ease and steadiness in your health and thank you again for reading
Happy July 4th Weekend Lisha Shi! May the Flags and Burgers be with you as they are with all of us! :)
I hear you BIG TIME on this one.
You're talking about DECISION MAKING FATIGUE.
It's a real thing. Not fake at all.
I call it the Tooth Paste Dilemma.
Ever go to the supermarket to buy toothpaste and there are like 1000 Brands of Toothpaste?
And you're like "I just want ONE good toothpaste so I can brush my teeth for work tomorrow?"
I am sure you and me are not alone on this one at all.
See, we humans have hit a weird point in our collective history no matter what nation you are from.
We are REALLY GOOD at making objects: cars, toothpaste, sports equipment, video games... WHATEVER...
And so since we filled our nations with this SUPER-ABUNDANCE of Brands, our tiny human brains from serene Chinese Monks to Cowboys in Texas are going like this all day over choices:
[INSERT PIC OF SHORT CIRCUITED WIRES ON FIRE HERE]
That's not awesome.
Our neurons, no matter what job we do or where we went to school or didn't, CANNOT take this kind of INPUT.
So, in essence the HUMAN RACE has designed an entire world where the real-world and digital choices we face are LITERALLY Frying our Tiny Minds.
THAT was stupid...
And it's not like it's some GRAND CONSPIRACY between the USA and China
Or Trump and Biden and General Xi, his Excellency and Top Leader in Your Beloved Homeland.
It just kinda HAPPENED...
So what's that ALL mean when you add it up together?
It means that HUMANITY is entering a NEW ERA.
We aren't gonna DIE like everyone is worried about.
China and the USA NUKING one another is about as likely as ME getting picked to play MAJOR LEAGUE BASKETBALL for the Boston Celtics being white at age 46. CMON! LOL! Never gonna happen.
So My take is what WE (Humans everywhere) have to do is FIND SOLUTIONS.
So WHY is SUBSTACK so IMPORTANT/MISSION-CRITICAL of a PLATFORM for ALL NATIONS?
Because it's not the POLITICAL REVOLUTION like Chairman Mao that Lives here....
It's not George Washington 2.0 that lives here or a REDUX of 1776 - Boston Styles.
Nah....
HERE are the MINDS of TOMORRROW
Who will BAND TOGETHER AS ONE GIANT FORCE OF CREATIVE THINKING
Haha, thank you! I think you just managed to connect toothpaste, geopolitics, and Substack in one breath, which is honestly kind of heroic.
Personally, I shop at Costco precisely because it doesn’t give me too many options. One toothpaste, one price, decision made. I buy whatever is on sale, you know it’s an Asian thing.
And while I’m not sure I’m up to the task of solving US–China nuclear diplomacy (I can barely pick a vacation house), I’m honored to be considered part of the creative minds helping humanity do things “better the next time around.” That’s a big title. I might need a hat.
Hope you had a good July 4th, flags, burgers, and all.
I feel this whenever I submit a post or send an email. But at a certain point, I just have to trust in myself. Maybe I could have worded something differently, but I can't let myself be overwhelmed and slowed down by choices and options.
You absolutely nailed it. When you have too many choices and options, none of them work.
The mind is always thinking about the alternative choice; thinking about the other side where the grass is greener.
So much greener 🥲
And preferrably with a hot tub 😆
Sorry I'm late to reading this. I needed to hibernate for a bit. What you describe as decision shock, given that it impacts multiple parts of your life, is what I call 'hyper-optimization'. For me, it came from growing up in a place where waste was seen as a mortal sin. Let a loaf of bread spoil? You'd think you'd murdered someone. Buy the wrong widget? Waste of gas, waste of time, so much failure! etc etc.
That skill (and it is a skill) serves a purpose. I researched the hell out of what car to buy, and 14 years later, it's still a great car, and has been cheaper to own than anyone else's car I've ever heard of. I researched the hell out of mixers, and I'm still happy with it 10 years later. It is a skill and it does have value.
But the growth, for me, was learning to realize that I'm not that broke, scared, child anymore. I can 'waste' $400 on a proper audio setup to see if it's actually better than my $35 3.5mm lapel mic (answer: holy heck yes!). I can 'waste' $200 on a vacuum pump and chamber to see if I can freeze dry for a fraction of a machine's cost (kinda, but I need to deep freeze the goods before I start, so dry ice or liquid nitrogen, at least until I can DIY my own cooling system). I can go spend a week in a tourist trap, eat the foods, smell the smells, hear the sounds, ride the rides, and just go home mid-week when I'm all funned out.
Sometimes it's good to just embrace the chaos. Like you did. You picked something. You won't die if you make a mistake. And eventually you'll de-program that response. I'm still working on that part.
Oh, thank you for unpacking this with me. You’re so right, I didn’t grow up with a lot, so this habit of hyper-optimization kind of became a survival skill. When every wrong choice feels like a mini-crisis because there’s no cushion to fall back on, you learn to compare everything.
I love how you framed it as a skill, because it is, but also as something we can outgrow. I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to “waste” a little in the name of trying, exploring, or just living. Call it… recovering from being poor syndrome 😂.
Still working on it too. But hey, we picked something. We didn’t die. That’s progress.
:) Also, just a note, poor isn’t the only way to get this. Homes where there’s incredible pressure on getting As, or being the best at a sport, or being #1 in some club, anywhere there is a need to ‘achieve’ and failure is punished with abandonment (emotional or literal) can lead to this. I share this less because I think it applies to you, and moreso for the D1 athletes who never quite made it, and wonder why they don’t matter anymore. Or the straight A kid who burned out and feels lost.
Oh my gosh, you nailed it.
Brilliant. As an overthinker, thank you for this
Thanks, Jay
“You’ve already lived the future in your head” hit me right in the gut. I’ve thrown out real connections just because they didn’t fit the narrative I rehearsed. This made me pause. Thank you.
Thank you. It’s wild how fast we can edit out real connection in service of a story we didn’t even mean to write. I’m really glad this made you pause. That’s the whole hope.
It’s funny how two people can go through the same experience, and one ends up in an existential spiral while the other’s yelling “I FOUND THE PERFECT SPOT IN SORRENTO THAT LOOKS LIKE AN ITALIAN DRACULA GIFTED HIS MISTRESS A LITERARY RETREAT!”
https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/24901081?source_impression_id=p3_1751567261_P3udoTZ9ong1NoUw
Lisha, I loved this piece. That dizzying mental unraveling you described over a 3-night rental? Oh, I know it well. But I have a confession: I love the rabbit hole. I fucking thrive in that rabbit hole.
I’ve been knighted by every friend group I’ve had as the guy who finds the spot, the right place to eat, the "experience". The unforgettable, slightly unhinged, perfect moment spot. The one that makes people say, “What the hell is this place?” and then “This is amazing.”
Planning my daughter’s college graduation trip? Naturally, I insisted we all stay in a royal mansion from the 1800s where the ghosts definitely know great food and dance with you.
https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/7789897?source_impression_id=p3_1751567292_P3NUa_QIayHvx9xw
Maybe it’s the half Russian-Jew blood in me, the best bang for buck hunting warlord meets aesthetic snob. I don’t plan trips, I produce them. Spreadsheets. 127 Color-coded tabs. Read every review from 2013 to the present. I go deep into the rabbit hole.
But what your piece reminded me, beautifully, annoyingly, and with surgical accuracy, is that sometimes the “right” choice isn’t the best one. It’s the one that lingers. The one that makes zero sense on paper but keeps tapping your shoulder saying "Hey, It's me Dummy"
You book it not because it checks all the boxes, but because something about it breaks the script. Honestly, that logic applies to a hell of a lot more than vacation homes. Love. Homes. Restaurants. Career choices.
So yeah, cheers to the weird ones you can’t explain. The red-leather-couch version of love. The offbeat patio you gamble on for no reason. Thanks for putting words to the beautiful chaos the rest of us pretend we’ve got under control.
Spoiler Alert: we don’t:)
This whole comment is a vacation unto itself. “Italian Dracula gifted his mistress a literary retreat”?? I’m actually mad I didn’t write that.
I’m in awe of your spreadsheet stamina. I can barely survive TripAdvisor’s font choices without losing the will to live. But yes, what you said at the end is exactly it. That shoulder tap. The unexplainable yes. The moment something breaks the script and still feels right, even if it makes no logistical sense whatsoever.
And you’re right. It’s not just travel. Love, careers, even friendships sometimes start that way. A little off. A little wrong. But you can’t look away.
So here’s to the unhinged tabs, the haunted mansions, and the weird little choices that end up mattering way more than they’re supposed to.
Oh wow, did this resonate with me. Last year, at 81, I ended up on a small, very basic, non-touristy, island 20 miles off the coast of Belize for a 2 week time of planned introspection. I chose it simply because it popped up in my quest to find a perfect spot for the sabbatical, and I couldn't "un-pop" it. Once I got there (walking into something completely unknown) I realized that the place, with all of it's imperfection, was the absolute perfect place for me. It had very, very few amenities, including no AC. At the end of the 2 weeks I literally cried because I had to leave. Before I left, I booked the place for 5 weeks for this year, and later went on to purchase my flight tickets and place a deposit on where I was staying. Unfortunately, during the year my health deteoriated and I ultimately had to cancel the trip because the doctors were very unhappy with my desire to go there. They are right, I know. Emergency care is a minimum of an hour away at best. It just made a point for me--the least likely might just be the most likeable.
Oh wow, thank you for sharing this. What a beautiful, brave leap that turned out to be exactly right. I love that phrase: “I couldn’t un-pop it.” That’s exactly the feeling. Something tugs at you in a quiet way, and somehow it knows more than your checklist ever could.
I’m so sorry you had to cancel this year’s return. That must’ve been a hard and wise choice all at once. And yes, your last line gave me goosebumps: the least likely might just be the most likeable. I might need to write that on a sticky note.
Wishing you ease and steadiness in your health and thank you again for reading
Happy July 4th Weekend Lisha Shi! May the Flags and Burgers be with you as they are with all of us! :)
I hear you BIG TIME on this one.
You're talking about DECISION MAKING FATIGUE.
It's a real thing. Not fake at all.
I call it the Tooth Paste Dilemma.
Ever go to the supermarket to buy toothpaste and there are like 1000 Brands of Toothpaste?
And you're like "I just want ONE good toothpaste so I can brush my teeth for work tomorrow?"
I am sure you and me are not alone on this one at all.
See, we humans have hit a weird point in our collective history no matter what nation you are from.
We are REALLY GOOD at making objects: cars, toothpaste, sports equipment, video games... WHATEVER...
And so since we filled our nations with this SUPER-ABUNDANCE of Brands, our tiny human brains from serene Chinese Monks to Cowboys in Texas are going like this all day over choices:
[INSERT PIC OF SHORT CIRCUITED WIRES ON FIRE HERE]
That's not awesome.
Our neurons, no matter what job we do or where we went to school or didn't, CANNOT take this kind of INPUT.
So, in essence the HUMAN RACE has designed an entire world where the real-world and digital choices we face are LITERALLY Frying our Tiny Minds.
THAT was stupid...
And it's not like it's some GRAND CONSPIRACY between the USA and China
Or Trump and Biden and General Xi, his Excellency and Top Leader in Your Beloved Homeland.
It just kinda HAPPENED...
So what's that ALL mean when you add it up together?
It means that HUMANITY is entering a NEW ERA.
We aren't gonna DIE like everyone is worried about.
China and the USA NUKING one another is about as likely as ME getting picked to play MAJOR LEAGUE BASKETBALL for the Boston Celtics being white at age 46. CMON! LOL! Never gonna happen.
So My take is what WE (Humans everywhere) have to do is FIND SOLUTIONS.
So WHY is SUBSTACK so IMPORTANT/MISSION-CRITICAL of a PLATFORM for ALL NATIONS?
Because it's not the POLITICAL REVOLUTION like Chairman Mao that Lives here....
It's not George Washington 2.0 that lives here or a REDUX of 1776 - Boston Styles.
Nah....
HERE are the MINDS of TOMORRROW
Who will BAND TOGETHER AS ONE GIANT FORCE OF CREATIVE THINKING
And help people all over the world
DO THINGS BETTER
THE NEXT TIME AROUND.
Duh.
LOL.
-Pick :)
Haha, thank you! I think you just managed to connect toothpaste, geopolitics, and Substack in one breath, which is honestly kind of heroic.
Personally, I shop at Costco precisely because it doesn’t give me too many options. One toothpaste, one price, decision made. I buy whatever is on sale, you know it’s an Asian thing.
And while I’m not sure I’m up to the task of solving US–China nuclear diplomacy (I can barely pick a vacation house), I’m honored to be considered part of the creative minds helping humanity do things “better the next time around.” That’s a big title. I might need a hat.
Hope you had a good July 4th, flags, burgers, and all.
Nah... not heroic at all.
Maybe I know a trick you never heard of.
You ever hear of guy named DAVID MARLOW by any chance? (See: LinkedIn --- IKIGAI GUY)
I feel this whenever I submit a post or send an email. But at a certain point, I just have to trust in myself. Maybe I could have worded something differently, but I can't let myself be overwhelmed and slowed down by choices and options.
I’m reminded of the quote, “wherever you go, there you are.” Ultimately, what matters is how you bring yourself. 😊